12.14.12 Remembered

Today a 20-year-old gunman walked into a Connecticut Elementary school and shot and killed 27 people before killing himself.  20 of those were children between the ages of 5 and 10.  I have been in a state of near panic attack for most of the afternoon.  Two things set them off... feeling small and insignificant and extreme fear.  Today, it's the fear.  Having something so precious and having to face the thought of losing it has me teetering on the edge.  My mother tells me I internalize the loss and suffering of others WAY more than I should, more than is healthy and normal.  But it's who I am.

 

I am thankful for so many things.  My boys have given me new life and I can't imagine a world without them in it.  I am truly devastated for the mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and countless others who are now having the dark reality of that altered world slap them in the face.

 

Tonight I hugged the boys harder than usual and couldn't stop kissing them.  They giggled and hugged me back.  After they went to bed I saw this photo on Facebook posted by my good friend Chris.  

Seeing this picture finally drove me into the panic attack I'd been fighting all day and Paul had to pull me through it.  I will never be able to understand the evil that exists but I know it's there, and it scares the hell out of me.

New Milestones and Boo-Boos

The boys are independent little toots.  Annoyingly so.  It started out with "my do it!" and it's now "I do it myself!".  They want to do everything themselves, even if it means ending up with a boo-boo. 

We went to Didi's on Sunday before Church, just like we always do.  We went back to "their room" to watch "lions" or "Puth in Booths" or something.  Christopher is climbing on EVERYTHING and he fell and hit his right eye on the leg of his crib.  He hit it hard and got a knot under his eye.  Great.  We're going to church with one of the boys having a black eye.  AGAIN.

Neither of the boys took a nap after lunch.  They played and yelled at each other and then yelled for me or mom.  I went in to tell them to settle down and go to sleep for about the third time when Sean announced that he had pooped.  After I cleaned him up I told them I was NOT coming back in and to LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP.  Not 5 minutes later Chris was calling for me or mom.  I told mom just to let him call us.  He needed to just go to sleep.  Well, he didn't stop so I finally got fed up and went into the room.  I was mad enough that I was seriously considering just putting them both in the car to come home.  I stormed into the room and said "Chris, what is it!?!"  He said "I pooped".  I said "Are you sure?" and he handed me his diaper.  Full of poop.  Gross.

I disinfected him, put him in a clean diaper, and put him back in his bed.  Thankfully it didn't get on the sheets.  10 minutes later he climbed out of his bed and landed on his head.  Now he has a knot below and above his right eye.  But that was the sign I was dreading.  It was time to move them to big boy beds.  I thought the 3 in 1 crib we bought had convertible crib rails as part of the set, but apparently you have to order them.  Grrr.  I don't like being deceived.  Now we have to wait on them if we order them... which I'm mad enough not to do.  I think we may just buy some new, cuter beds for them.  Maybe.  I like this one from Ikea,

 

but we'd also have to buy the mattress that fits it, so I don't know what I'm going to do yet.  So, for now, the beds look like this:

After Paul got the beds all set up Chris had 2 more mishaps.  Sean slammed Chris's fingers in the door and then Chris got a hold of Paul's fingernail trimmers and he pinched himself nice and hard.  It didn't break the skin though, thank God.

Then, the Pièce de résistance:  Chris fell chin-first onto the coffee table tonight.  I texted my sister about it and she said "I hope he makes it through childhood in one piece!".  He's a resilient little boy so I think he might, but I'm not sure I will.  I'm a nervous wreck.