Today a 20-year-old gunman walked into a Connecticut Elementary school and shot and killed 27 people before killing himself. 20 of those were children between the ages of 5 and 10. I have been in a state of near panic attack for most of the afternoon. Two things set them off... feeling small and insignificant and extreme fear. Today, it's the fear. Having something so precious and having to face the thought of losing it has me teetering on the edge. My mother tells me I internalize the loss and suffering of others WAY more than I should, more than is healthy and normal. But it's who I am.
I am thankful for so many things. My boys have given me new life and I can't imagine a world without them in it. I am truly devastated for the mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and countless others who are now having the dark reality of that altered world slap them in the face.
Tonight I hugged the boys harder than usual and couldn't stop kissing them. They giggled and hugged me back. After they went to bed I saw this photo on Facebook posted by my good friend Chris.
Seeing this picture finally drove me into the panic attack I'd been fighting all day and Paul had to pull me through it. I will never be able to understand the evil that exists but I know it's there, and it scares the hell out of me.
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