Last night, after I got home from work, Paul said he really wanted to go to Olive Garden for dinner. I was hungry so I said, sure. Lots of carbs, but maybe I can find something less terrible for my blood sugar. He said, “I just really want the Pasta e Fagioli soup. If that came in a can, I'd eat it every day.”
Dinner was nice, but they got my order wrong and they weren’t going to get my food out to me before the boys finished eating and started screaming. So, since Paul was finished too, he took the kids to my parents house while I ate (assuming I ever got my food) and he’d come back to get me.
I ate alone.
We picked the kids up from my parents and went home. It was nearly 9:00 pm so we put the boys in their sleepy clothes and we all went to sleep. However, I woke up at 4:30 am with 2 kids in the bed with us, tightly sandwiched between Sean and Paul. I seriously couldn’t move an inch. I considered trying to extract myself and put the kids back in their beds, but I was tired. So, being lazy, I started to drift back to sleep.
On the edge of consciousness I thought I heard distant thunder, a faint rumble that lasted about 4 or 5 seconds. I just had time to think, “Great. I’ll have to drive to work in the rain again”, when my eyes immediately watered up and the sulfuric gassy wave of Shai'tan himself hit me. That rumble wasn’t thunder. It was the malodorous stream of undiluted evil rushing out from between my loving husbands butt cheeks. And he was trying to kill me.
My arms were pinned to my sides and most of my face was under the covers. Holding my breath, I started to wiggle around in an attempt to save myself from a slow death by suffocation of a fetid fart. I was finally able to turn my face and bury it in Sean’s neck to ride out the abominable bender. Sean was breathing with his mouth open and that was STILL less stinky than the award-winning performance coming from my dear Paul, who was STILL ASLEEP! How could anyone sleep through this life threatening event?
In spite of his attempt on my life, I survived. I thought, "what on EARTH did that boy eat for dinner?" Oh, yeah.
Pasta e Fagioli.
I thank GOD it doesn’t come in a can.