Monday, November 28, 2011

You Worry Too Much

I often hear the phrase "You worry too much".  Aside from stating the obvious, it's not terribly helpful advice.  I worry too much.  Yes, it's true, I worry about everything and it's becoming worse over time.

I worry about small things and large things.  My worries make their way into my dreams at night and my day-mares.  I become paralyzed with indecision which makes me feel impotent.  What could be so bad?  I'm aware that this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to knock myself out of it.

Here are few things I worry about every single day.

I worry that when Paul and the boys leave in the morning that it will be the last time I ever see them.  I worry that every time I get into the car I'm playing Russian roulette, and this time may be my last.  I worry that someone will steal my beautiful boys and that I would rather die than go on living.  I worry that I'm a terrible mother and I'll somehow screw my kids up.  I worry something will happen to my parents and that I won't be around to help them.  I worry about why I haven't heard from friends and family in a while.  I worry that I've done something wrong.  I worry about people thinking I'm an idiot, when all I ever do is try my best.  I worry that my best will never be good enough.  I worry about money.  I worry that I won't be able to provide for my parent's retirement in a way that will keep them out of a careless nursing home.  I worry that we'll never be able to sell this house so my kids can go to a better school.  I worry that if we can't sell this house then we won't be able to move to Rockwall where I can better look after my parents.  I worry about whether there is a God, and then I worry that, by just having made the thought, I'm going to Hell.  I worry about not being around long enough to see my boys grow up.  I worry that I'm going to develop Glaucoma too soon.  I worry that I could get a batch of bad insulin and fall into a coma.  I worry that when I go to bed at night I may never wake up.  I worry that no one would really care.  I worry that by just typing out these thoughts that they could come true.

There are more, but these are the ones that occupy my daily thoughts.
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